Growing up I feared a lot. I feared getting hurt. I feared making mistakes. I feared not being liked. I feared disappointing my parents. I feared not being accepted.
This could explain my need for perfection in my life, pleasing others, and living with the anthem “I am not good enough”. It is rooted in me since childhood. To constantly worry about who I should be and who I am not, so that I avoid all of the above was exhausting. I never felt I was enough. I was diagnosed with severe chronic depression ten years ago, however lived with it in silence for ten years prior, possibly longer. Often I was labelled ‘anti-social’ and ‘grouchy’. I was judged for the times I didn’t call my friends or simply disappeared into my own corner of the world, disconnected from everyone. I didn’t know it was depression, I was just being me.
I feared being judged. I feared not being loved. I feared I was weird. I feared being me.
I didn’t want to be me anymore. When a friend sent out a post about TranQool, I took a deep breath and felt hope. Hope for those who fight the gremlins in their head every day and have not found an outlet to help silence them. Hope that people living with depression will see that they are not alone. Hope that there is a community out there welcoming you as you are, who believes you are enough and will support you. Hope that I did not have when I didn’t want to be me. I am enough. A simple phrase but powerful, when you believe it.
I read the interviews with the family members who lost loved ones to suicide. I pictured my family and what they would say if I acted on my suicidal thoughts. Would they know what to say? Maybe. Would they know why I did it? Maybe. Would they say, “she wasn’t enough”? Never. I got help. I still get help. Getting help saved me and continues to save me. Every day that I am alive, I am another day stronger. I am tired of feeling that I am not enough and that I need to be perfect. The work I am doing now is accepting that I am enough. I need to remember this, to live this, to believe this, to accept this. So do you! You are enough!
Your only purpose is to be yourself ~ Anita Moorjani